Jack’s Winning Words 2/25/08
“In my day, there was a lot more shame. Shame has gone out the window, and that’s a damn shame. I really miss shame, because shame kept people in line.” (Bette Midler) When I was growing up and did something wrong, I heard, “Shame on you!” One index finger was pointed at me, and the other was rubbed on the top of it. Did that ever happen to you? You don’t hear that word used much anymore. Ain’t that a shame? ;-) Jack

FROM MOLINER C.F.: You know, of course, that it is bad manners to point. Shame.

FROM L.H. IN MARCO: I fully agree. I still say the expression to myself sometimes when I see something on TV or hear about something that deserves the expression. I'll say to myself "Shame on Them."

FROM A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC: From my own personal experience, the chronology went something like this:
1. Fear/Self'Loathing/Defeat/Humility
2. Message of Recovery/Hope/Willingness to Believe
3. Acceptance/Willingness to Change
4. Shame/Remorse/Confession
5. The Openning of the Soul/Inviting God In
6. Communion & Rebirth
7. Restitution & Revelation (The Kingdom Revealed/The Door is Opened)
8. Recognition/Discerning Things of the Spirit (Indoctrination/Matriculation into Kingdom)
9. Daily Renewal & Reflection (Practicing God's Presence/Spiritual Education & Growth)
10. Service & Sanity - Incorporating Spiritual Principles into My Life (Citizenship in the Kingdom)
Shame didn't come into the picture until I was able to contrast my life against that which was undoubtedly good - GOD!
As an alcoholic, I was slave to my ego. I was my own god. There was no shame because all standards were shunned and avoided.
When I finally did feel shame, it came like a tidal wave. I felt like I had betrayed my best friend, but a hundred times worse.
It was a gut-wrenching nausea that hurt to the pit of my being. I finally understood, I had squandered God's precious gifts of life and love.
I believe this experience was the cleansing which occurs when in the presence of God's Spirit and why confession and shame go hand in hand.
My hope was restored when God revealed the limitless nature of His forgiveness and love.
Although I indicated restitution as following communion & rebirth, I believe restitution is actually part of the birthing process.
Each successive act of goodwill is like a painful contraction, until finally a new man is born.
For me, it was the doorway to the Kingdom.
At least that's this humble man's opinion.

FROM K.B. AT M.G.: In Behavioral Health particularly addiction--shame is a terribly unhealthy attribute-we are taught that GUILT is " I did " something
wrong and SHAME is "I am" something wrong. For an addict the shame is
internal and comes from trying over and over to fix something and failing. I have a tape on shame if anyone is interested.

MORE FROM K.B.: I read the blog --ver interesting comment from all especially the Recovering Alcoholic. I am looking for some references on Shame along with my missing tape. Stay tuned. One of the more well known writers on addiction is John Bradshaw; Healing the Shame That Binds You. This classic book, written 17 years ago but still selling more than 13,000 copies every year, has been completely updated and expanded by the author. "I used to drink," writes John Bradshaw,"to solve the problems caused by drinking. The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed." Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.

FROM MOLINER, L.P.: Shame probably should be listed as "archaic" in the dictionary. Parent-wise, it is nearly impossible to teach the concept of "shame," as the rest of society doesn't support the notion. Shame itself is considered "shameful." Everything goes-- so what is there to be ashamed of?

FROM PR J.S.IN MICHIGAN: You don't suppose that comes from a liberal theology which has forgotten the Law, do you?

MORE FROM J.S.: WE need to stand before God and be found wanting. Only then will His Grace pour out upon us and cleanse us. Today grace has been cheapened because there is no guilt or shame. If the Ten Commandments are not doing the job, perhaps it is because they are confronting particularly twisted minds!!!
FROM D.S. IN MICHIGAN: I love Bette Midler – The difference was back then when someone said “Shame on you” we knew what we had done to make them say that. Too often now there are not clear boundaries/rules and consequences set in advance with children (for example) and when something happens parents deal with it on the spot. Doesn’t work very well especially when we know that all of work better with those boundaries and rules in place.

FROM L.P. IN MICHIGAN: You know this WW has been on my mind for a few days now. I cringe at the idea of "more shame" for the sake of shame. It is definitely good to have self-respect enough to know good conduct and remorse for times when conduct was lacking... but unless said in jest, the old "shame on you" scolding seems haughty when said between adults and it is not constructive when said to children. I think the worst scoldings I got as a kid were the "shame on you, that's naughty" kind. They stuck with me for years and in many cases it wasn't until I was an adult that I figured out WHY what I'd said or done was actually naughty.
See, I really do ponder the WWs that you send. Thanks for keeping me thinking each day.

FROM MOLINER, G.S.: good thought. Mom told me that when she scolded me as a toddler, I would cry. Bill would just get mad.

FROM A.M. IN MICHIGAN: Ain't that the truth!!!!!

FROM P.O. IN MICHIGAN: Heck, my Mom didn't even need to speak --- just had to give me 'that look'!

FROM N.E. IN S.H.: The line I usually use is; "I'm really disappointed in your actions". Pretty close?

MORE FROM N.E.: My kids tell me they would rather I was absolutely furious with them than disappointed in them. ( Handy little piece of information there! ;) )

FROM J.L. IN MICHIGAN: In this, I totally agree with Bette. The problem is no one is held responsible for anything anymore. There is no shame and no blame! And that is a shame!

FROM J.O. IN MICHIGAN: I was such a good child that I never heard those words (ha ha ha)

MORE FROM L.P. IN MICHIGAN: (referring to K.B.'s comment earlier in the blog): But honestly, are things really worse than in her day or have the same problems just "evolved" to fit with the modern day?